


God dammit, Asuma

by hkandi



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Asuma is a pain, BAMF Umino Iruka, Complete, Developing Relationship, F/M, Good intentions?, If you don't I will, Iruka is so done, Likely canon divergence, M/M, Man up - Freeform, Naruto is Just Naruto, People are trying, Pre-Relationship, Ramen will be eaten, Taking Chances
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-03
Updated: 2020-04-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:54:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23461303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hkandi/pseuds/hkandi
Summary: Asuma goes all "big brother" on Iruka whenever he's trying to have a nice date. Pity for the people Iruka tries to date...until Iruka decides he's had enough, and things don't go the way either man thought they would.
Relationships: Ayame/Umino Iruka, Hagane Kotetsu/Kamizuki Izumo, Hatake Kakashi & Umino Iruka, Hatake Kakashi & Uzumaki Naruto, Hatake Kakashi/Umino Iruka, Sarutobi Asuma & Umino Iruka, Sarutobi Asuma/Yuuhi Kurenai, Shiranui Genma & Umino Iruka, Umino Iruka & Uzumaki Naruto, Umino Iruka & Yuuhi Kurenai, Umino Iruka/Yuuhi Kurenai
Comments: 59
Kudos: 362
Collections: The Umino Hours Quarantine Boredom Buster





	1. First dates?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [radkoko](https://archiveofourown.org/users/radkoko/gifts).



> Written for radkoko as part of the quarantine boredom buster event, and their prompt of Asuma "going all big brother" when he finds out Iruka is dating...

(I don't own any characters etc etc)

"No hard feelings?" Iruka asked Genma weakly. He felt more nervous asking it than he had expected. It was compounded by the fact that Genma had been off on a long mission and this was the first time they were really spending time together in almost a month.

Fortunately, the other man smiled.

"Not at all," Genma said, the senbon dancing in his mouth. "Maybe we're better off as friends, anyway."

Iruka sighed. "I thought it would work, I really did."

"It's not your fault," Genma comforted him. "And it was just the one date, and it was ages ago. It's not that bad, right? You're a catch, I'm a catch. Things will work out eventually, even if it's not between us."

Iruka gave him a weary smile. "I'm glad to hear you say that, but it's not like that. This happens to me all the time. All the time!"

"Really?" 

Iruka nodded, and slumped in his chair more. He was grateful the missions office was dead and they could talk.

"All the time?" Genma asked, clearly not believing him.

"Yes!" Iruka began to count off on his hands. "You. Raidou. Anko."

"What were you thinking going out with her?" Genma interrupted.

Iruka shrugged. "I was young and dumb." He continued. "Izumo. Kotetsu."

"But at least they've connected through it not working out with you, and they're happy."

Iruka glared at him.

"Shutting up," Genma said, hands up.

"Ayame. The red haired girl that was here two summers ago working at the academy. The blond preschool teacher just after that."

"Ah, she's married and fat now," Genma said.

"Gen! That's rude!" Iruka shouted. "And she's pregnant, not fat. Seriously?"

Genma shrugged. "Whatever, she's taken anyway." He whistled. "All those people?"

"Each and every one."

Genma exhaled loudly. "That's rough." 

"That's what I'm telling you!" Iruka cried, slumping forward on his desk. "And you were the first date since you know who dumped me, and it still happened!"

They sat in silence for a bit.

"Maybe you've been going about this all wrong," Genma finally said, and Iruka turned to face him. "Maybe you need someone bigger than all of us, badder. Scarier."

"What?"

Genma shrugged. "Someone another person wouldn't mess with. A tippity top jonin."

Iruka sat up and put his chin in his hand, thinking. "That's not a bad idea...someone kind of...intimidating...but who?"

Genma shrugged and stood to stretch, walking to a window and looking out.

A moment later he called out. "Hey," he said, nodding out the window.

Iruka joined him and saw a familiar group of jonin talking outside.

"That's a good group," Iruka commented. "But who?"

"Well, we know two are interested in each other, so they're out. That leaves..." Genma paused, squinting. "Yamato, Kakashi, and Gai."

Iruka grimaced. "Not Gai, not going there!"

"Okay, Kakashi or Yamato then?"

Iruka blushed. 

"Looks like this is a good time to go after your big fish," Genma suggested.

"What?"

"You know, Hatake. I hear you've been going out with Team 7 more lately, and that maybe you developed a crush?"

Iruka groaned. "I was crushing on you too, until all this. And it's a small crush, it's not like I went immediately from wanting you to wanting him."

"I'm not insulted, Rai told me you only started to talk about him the last week I was away." He smirked. "So he's kind of my replacement. You couldn't have all this," he said, motioning to his body, "so you're settling for him."

Iruka smiled for the first time in this conversation. "You're both a good and terrible friend."

Genma blew a kiss at him. "Let's start planning. Operation Get You A Date is a go!"

_________

Getting the date was the easy part, it turned out. And even then, not quite easy...

Iruka was used to making small talk with the copy nin when he turned in reports, albeit it was sparsed with reminders of how to write a complete report half the time.

Genma, being friends with both men, began to drag Kakashi in more to turn in reports with him. 

Apparently, Iruka thought, Genma had enlisted the help of others, as Kakashi not only came in with Genma, but also Raidou and Anko more than usual. And sure, maybe they ended up being in only Iruka's line each time.

And if either Iruka or Kakashi noticed that the third person would find an excuse to depart and leave the two, well, neither argued with it.

Iruka also worked to amp up his charm and small talk. His charming small talk, rather.

The other man followed suit, it seemed, and after they had run into each other at bars twice in the same month while out with different groups of friends, Iruka had taken a chance and asked him to dinner.

Kakashi said yes, and one Friday night, Iruka giddily got ready for his first date in, what, at least three months? Or more?

The disaster with Genma had been his last one. He shuddered thinking about it, but took a deep breath and reminded himself that he was approaching this differently.

So, checking his appearance one last time, pleased with the civilian clothes he had picked out that night, he exited his apartment, locking it and setting the wards.

As he left the building, his nostrils alerted him to danger.

Bearded, smoking danger.

"Asuma," he ground out between clenched teeth. He looked to his right, and there was the older man, leaning against the building, smoking.

"Hey Iruka," Asuma said, casually. "What you up to?"

"None of your business," Iruka said, trying to stay calm.

He was losing that battle.

"All dressed up, aren't you?" Asuma observed, grounding the cigarette butt out with his heel. "Where are we going?"

Iruka closed his eyes for a moment.

"We," he said, stressing that word, "aren't going anywhere."

Asuma shrugged. "Yeah, but really. Where?"

Iruka took a step towards him. "I mean it."

Asuma looked bored.

"Don't even think about it," Iruka said.

"Ah, Iruka, it's for your own good," Asuma said. 

"My own good? My own good!" Iruka began to poke Asuma in the chest as he talked. "It's not for my own good. You think you know who and what is best for me! You forget I'm a grown freaking adult! I'm a shinobi! I'm not a little kid, I don't need you, and I can go out with whoever I want! I will date whoever I want, sleep with whoever I want, do whatever I want with whoever I want!"

Iruka had been getting louder and louder as he spoke, and an audible gasp from nearby reminded him they were in public.

He turned around and smiled.

"Good evening, Mina-sama," he called out to a former student's mother, watching as she shook her head and quickly ran away.

He turned back to Asuma, glaring.

"Smooth, Ru," Asuma said. "Real smooth."

"Shut up," Iruka said, shaking his head. "Leave me alone already."

With that, he jutsued away.  
____

Iruka made it to the restaurant with a few minutes to spare, and Kakashi arrived just eight minutes late. So, Iruka knew he was making quite the effort.

"Hi," Iruka greeted him. "You look nice."

Kakashi also in civilian clothes, though in similar shades to his uniform, gave what seemed to be an eye smile. He was still wearing a mask, and had one eye covered as usual, so Iruka wasn't entirely positive, but told himself it was a smile. "Thanks, so do you. Shall we?"

Iruka glanced around and nodded, a smile returning to his face.

"There are so many restaurants in Konoha," he thought to himself. "Surely Asuma won't find us here?"

They were seated and began a leisurely dinner, talking about this and that, and everything in between.

Iruka found Kakashi interesting and handsome, more than he previously had based on missions office interactions and Team 7 dinners. He was thoroughly enjoying the date, and hoped Kakashi did as well. 

"Should we get out of here, perhaps take a walk or something?" Kakashi asked as he paid the bill, even though Iruka had offered to pay or at least split it several times.

"Sure," Iruka said. "Let me just pop into the restroom."

Iruka did what he needed to and couldn't have been gone for more than five minutes, if that, when he saw a too-familiar site as he returned to the table.

"What are you doing here?" he groaned.

Asuma looked up. "Just having a chat. Can't I have a chat with a colleague?"

Kakashi looked bored, but then again, it was kind of his normal look. 

Though a voice in Iruka's head said that the man hadn't looked bored while it was just the two of them...

He saw Kakashi's visible eye dart quickly between Asuma and himself.

"You can, just not while I'm on a date with them," Iruka snapped. "How did you even find us?"

Asuma shrugged. "I pay people. So," he said, turning to face Kakashi. "What are your intentions with him?"

"I'm sorry, what?" Kakashi asked, raising his eyebrow.

Iruka, standing at the table that was only meant for two people, covered his face with his hands. "Not this! Not this!"

"Your intentions. After dinner, after tonight. Long term. That sort of thing. Do you think you make enough money to be in a relationship? Can you handle Iruka when he's acting kind of prissy and annoyed?"

"I'm only prissy and annoyed when you get involved in things that don't involve you!" Iruka said to Asuma.

"See?" Asuma said to Kakashi. "Prissy and annoyed."

"Are you...I can't...I'm about to commit murder," Iruka shouted to the restaurant. "Get ANBU here, I'm about to kill a top level shinobi, relative of a Hokage."

He turned his attention back to Asuma. "What is your problem, seriously?"

"I just want to make sure you're pursuing appropriate people."

Iruka shook his head and took a breath while looking at the ceiling to calm himself.

Slightly calmer, he looked at Kakashi .

"I'm really sorry," Iruka said. "This has been great, you're a great guy. I don't want to put you through everything he's going to put you through. Run now. Save yourself."

Kakashi looked blandly at him, then gave his eye smile. He even laughed! "This is a joke, right? I'm being pranked? Did Gai or Yamato set this all up?"

"I'd like to see your bank accounts, retirement goals," Asuma began.

"We're shinobi, we could die at any time, retirement's not as big a deal as you make it out to be," Iruka tried to point out.

"Medical history. Dating history, beyond what I know, just in case. Record of tattoos, grades in school," Asuma continued.

'Don't you know most of that?" Kakashi drawled, crossing his arms.

"I'll need it in writing, possibly notarized," Asuma said. "Maybe triplicate."

"You are ridiculous," Iruka said. "See?" he said to Kakashi. "Save yourself."

"This isn't feeling like a joke anymore," Kakashi said, suddenly more serious.

"It's not. Asuma here has taken the role of big brother too seriously and if he thinks who I'm dating isn't good enough, he makes life a living hell for us both. No privacy, no quiet time. Questions, expectations, and once an actual fight."

"That must make a relationship hard," Kakashi said.

"It does, which is why I almost never actually get to have one," Iruka stated. "Yet the one that literally stabbed me in the back two months after breaking up with me, he thought had 'real potential'," Iruka said, doing finger quotes while stressing the last two words. "Asuma here wanted me to try to give it another shot, ask him to take me back. Encouraged me to stay friends with him when that didn't work. Good job with that one, Asuma. Real good looking out."

Asuma at least appeared embarrassed, Iruka noted.

"That's why I'm extra careful now?" Asuma offered.

Iruka glared at him, then softened his look as he gazed at the copy nin.

"Kakashi, I like you, but I like you so much I don't want to put you through this. Thank you for everything, let's continue to just associate as...not this?" Iruka asked.

Kakashi considered this, and after a moment shrugged.

"Great! And you," Iruka said, looking at Asuma. "Forget you know me. That you ever knew me. Leave me the hell alone."

And Iruka left, not waiting for a response.


	2. Not how Iruka thought it would go

(I don't own any characters etc etc)

Iruka laid on his sofa the next day at about noon, with a pillow over his face.

It wasn't helping.

The banging, the incessant, loud, obnoxious banging continued.

"Ru!" Asuma shouted. Again. "I know you're in there! Open up!"

Iruka really wanted to shout back, to tell him to go away, but he was trying to hide. He wasn't proud of it, but what choice did he have? He had nothing to say to Asuma.

"Seriously!" he muttered to himself, muffled by the pillow. "What part of leave me alone don't you get?"

Asuma continued to knock and shout, and Iruka knew soon the neighbors would get involved, and he really didn't want to be there for that.

Sighing, he rolled off the couch, put on his sandals and vest, grabbed his wallet, set the wards, and jutsued out.

Standing near Ichiraku's he took a deep breath of the fresh air, rolled his shoulders, and went to place an order.

Ayame took his to-go order, and passed him a tea as he sat on a stool to wait.

"Rough night?" she asked.

He sighed. "You heard?"

"I think half the village heard. You made quite a scene."

Iruka put his face in his hands. "Me and Asuma," he corrected. "The nerve of him!"

Ayame reached out and squeezed his shoulder before moving to help other customers.

She returned a moment later. "He doesn't learn, does he?"

Iruka shook his head. "What do you think? You were on the receiving end of it, after all."

She thought about it, tapping her pencil against her lips. "Yeah, but I think he went a bit easier on me because of my dad. Still, who gets asked about things like not only how many kids do I want, but also how will I deliver them, what is my family genetic history, and what's my dad's plans for retirement?"

Iruka groaned. "He really is unbelievable."

"It's a shame," Ayame said. "You're so nice, such great boyfriend material. And a grown man, and he treats you like you're a child about to run off."

Her father called out and she went to collect the food, passing it to Iruka.

"Try to take it easy today," she said, and Iruka wearily nodded. "And if Asuma comes around, I haven't seen you," she said, winking.

"You're the best!" Iruka said, feeling some weight lift off his chest. 

He left, and chose to not take any chances, jutsuing to outside another apartment building.

Knocking on a familiar door, he hoped the occupant was home.

"Iruka-sensei!" Naruto yelled as he opened the door. "And ramen?!"

"And ramen," Iruka said, holding the bag up. "I thought I'd come for a visit and hang out."

Naruto let him in and they sat to eat and catch up on life.

"Training with my team and Kakashi-sensei sure keeps me busy, it's too bad I don't get to see you much outside of dinners with them!" Naruto said. "I'm pretty sure Sakura's going to agree to go on a date soon, and I'm always busy on missions keeping stupid Sasuke out of traps and losing in fights."

Iruka snorted. "I'm sure you are. But didn't I hear something two weeks ago about a cat leading you into waist-high mud you couldn't get out of?"

Naruto frowned. "I could have! I just didn't want to show off!"

Iruka laughed, it felt good. He knew coming and hiding out here....visiting Naruto...would be a good idea.

Settling into the couch more, Iruka finally felt last night's tension leave him as Naruto launched into another story of how he saved Team 7 yet again.

________

Asuma left him alone on Sunday, and Iruka may or may not have bribed fellow mission desk workers to give Team 10 a week long mission away from the village. Such a shame, that Asuma would be gone all week.

However, it still left Iruka with the teachers lounge during lunch on Monday, and his date was the main, if not only, topic.

"Did you really tell the entire restaurant you were going to kill him?"

"Did ANBU actually come?"

"Would they have stopped him? It sounds warranted, threatening with death..."

"I can't believe Sarutobi did that!"

"Who does he think he is, anyway? Interrupting a date!"

And on and on it went.

Iruka chimed in here and there, but otherwise let his coworkers discuss it without him. It had, after all, occurred in public, so he had nothing to hide really.

As he was leaving to return to his classroom, he bumped into Kurenai, who was guest teaching that week, as she did from time to time.

They walked down the hall together, talking.

"I can't believe Asuma," she said, shaking her head. "Doing that on a date!"

"I know, he's an ass," Iruka sighed. "I don't know what you see in him sometimes."

She laughed and punched him. "He has a lot of good qualities!"

"Yeah, well you better hope that if you ever go out with him, he treats you better than he does me!" Iruka teased her. "Though you guys have been dancing around it for how long?"

Kurenai shrugged. "I'm giving him another month or two, and if he doesn't ask me out, I'll ask him."

Iruka rolled his eyes. "Maybe if it ever happens I'll crash your date, give him a taste of his own medicine."

"You wouldn't dare," she said, laughing. "And I'd kill you if you did!"

"Hey, he did it to Kakashi, I can do it to you!" Iruka posed.

"How was it with Kakashi, otherwise?"

"You mean before the crazy train showed up?"

Kurenai laughed but nodded, and followed Iruka into his empty classroom, sitting on his desk while he sat behind it on his chair.

"It was nice, good," he said, a smile on his face, putting his hands behind his head. "Really nice. It was a good first date, and we were planning on continuing it after dinner, but then you know what happened."

"So, will there be a second date?" she asked.

Iruka frowned. "No. I said I didn't want to put Kakashi through it, and he didn't seem inclined to argue."

He sighed.

"Asuma just keeps stunting my dating life. It's like...it's like, I can't get beyond a first date, if even that, because he just goes all big brother on them and scares them off. And I'm lucky if the date even ends properly, otherwise it's like what just happened. And to be honest, if I want to sleep with someone, I have to focus on, like, only that."

Kurenai raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"I know, I know. But if a date doesn't get far enough to get anywhere with someone, it's like I have to choose between a date or sleeping with them, because I can't have both. He doesn't let it happen! Does he know I can't get pregnant and knocked up? Because sometimes I think he's trying to make me celibate."

"But you do get some," Kurenai pointed out. "I've seen you leave the bar with someone often enough?"

"Exactly. It's casual, no strings, and we maybe get a drink before. Which, don't get me wrong, is good. But I want strings attached again, I want to sleep with my boyfriend or girlfriend, you know?"

"Ooh, does someone want to sleep with Kakashi?" she teased him.

"Do I! The things I'd do to him," Iruka sighed, shaking his head. "But they're gone, my chances are all gone."

They could hear the children coming down the hallway, and Kurenai stood to leave. "I hope not. Let me know what I can do to help!"

He thanked her, and turned his attention to that afternoon's classes, while thinking about if there were extra shifts in the missions office he could pick up.

"If I'm going to be single forever, might as well fill up my time," he thought to himself.

___________

To his surprise, on Wednesday afternoon Naruto was waiting for him outside of the academy.

"Iruka-sensei!" the blond shouted, greeting him.

Iruka ruffled his hair and laughed. "Hello, Naruto! All done your training for the day?"

Naruto nodded. "Believe it! Are you free for dinner?"

"Hmm, I should be, I'm covering a few hours at the missions desk tonight, but not for another hour and a half. Shall we?"

Iruka was able to talk Naruto into eating something other than ramen, as he decided to try to get extra vegetables into the boy for once.

As they sat eating, Naruto told him about what his team had gotten up to that week.

"Oh! I almost forgot why I was looking for you!" Naruto said, patting his clothing. "Aha!" He reached into a pocket and pulled out a small envelope.

"Kakashi-sensei asked me to give this to you, and said I needed to bring back an answer from you. He hoped I'd have something to give him tomorrow?"

Iruka took the letter as Naruto returned to his food, his own appetite suddenly gone.

He hadn't expected to hear from the other man after the disaster that was their date, and hoped he'd be able to avoid meals with Team 7 for some time.

Yet here it was, and an answer was requested?

What could Kakashi want from him, he wondered as he opened it.

Holding his breath, he pulled out a single piece of paper and read it, keeping it so that Naruto could not see it.

He read it, and re-read it. And re-re-read it.

Iruka then reached into his bag and pulled out a pen, writing a response on the paper before resealing it in the envelope.

"Could you give this back to him tomorrow?" he asked Naruto, passing the envelope back.

"Sure thing," Naruto said, and Iruka joined him in finishing eating.

_______

The next day, Iruka bid his students a good night, reminding them of the homework due the following day as they filed out the door, and soon packed his own bag to leave.

However, instead of heading home, he headed in the opposite direction, and began to follow a path leading into the woods.

In and around the forest it went, until he reached a small clearing near a creek.

He sat and took his bag off, pulling out some papers to grade.

About halfway through his stack of papers, he felt the chakra of someone approaching, and put his hand under other papers, where he had a kunai resting.

"Yo, sensei," a familiar voice called, and Iruka relaxed.

"Hello," he answered, as Kakashi entered and sat next to him. Iruka began to put away his weapon and papers.

"I brought goods," Kakashi said, reaching into his vest and pulling out a scroll. Opening and unsealing it, he pulled out a blanket and picnic basket, and they sat on the blanket, pulling out food and drinks.

They ate and talked, about their weeks, training, the academy, a little of everything.

Finally, Iruka couldn't take it.

"I was surprised to receive your letter," he said, and Kakashi tilted his head at him. "I didn't think you'd be interested in meeting again, after last time."

"What do you mean?"

Iruka sighed. "Our disaster of a first date? Well, I thought it was going great until Asuma showed up, then it became a disaster."

Kakashi leaned back on his forearms. "I thought it was great! The best first date I've been on."

Iruka's jaw dropped. "What?"

Kakashi shrugged. "Dinner and a show. It was hilarious! People can't stop talking about it. ANBU are still dying laughing about you calling for them."

Iruka groaned. "Asuma's going to make me be single for ever."

Kakashi clicked his tongue. "What makes you say that?"

"He showed up and ruined a good night with you, even if you liked it."

There was silence for a moment before Kakashi spoke.

"Well, isn't this our second date?"

Iruka blushed slightly. "It is, I suppose. But...that's all."

"That's all?"

Iruka sighed and flopped down on his back, arms outstretched. "This is only possible because I got Asuma's team out on a mission ---"

"That was your doing?" Kakashi laughed, and Iruka nodded. "Remind me not to get on your bad side, you'll get me banished to a distant outpost for months!"

Iruka laughed. "And a cold one, at that. But, really, when he gets back, we can't do this."

Kakashi paused. "Why not?"

Iruka looked at him. "We can't go out in the village, and this is nice, but I doubt we only want to do picnics deep in the woods, using Naruto as a go-between? I just don't see you and me happening."

They sat in silence for a moment.

"Well, we can't have you being single forever," Kakashi drawled. "Perhaps a new plan is needed..."

___________

The first two days after Team 10 returned from their mission, Iruka again avoided having any contact with Asuma. However, the third day found the jonin entering his classroom as the children were dismissed.

"Welcome back," Iruka said, politely.

"Good to be back," Asuma said, leaning on a desk. "Been gone some time, huh?"

Iruka shrugged noncommittally as he packed, before pausing and looking at Asuma. "Yeah, been some time."

"Look, Ru, I do feel bad about what happened that night ---"

Iruka held up a hand. "I did some thinking while you were gone," he said, interrupting. "And I get it."

"You do?"

"Yeah, you're just looking out for me. It's nice, twisted, but nice. And I know you mean well."

Asuma smiled. "Good, I'm glad you understand where I'm coming from."

Iruka nodded and left the classroom with Asuma, walking down the hall. "You just want me to be with someone who's good enough."

"Exactly," Asuma said.

"Good in a number of areas, someone you approve of."

"Couldn't have put it better myself," the bearded jonin said, nodding.

"Which is why I think I found a great person," Iruka said, smiling. He opened the door to the faculty lounge and stepped aside as Kurenai exited from it.

She greeted both men, who in turn greeted her.

"Kurenai," Iruka said, as she was starting to walk down the hall. "Would you like to go out with me next week?"


	3. Asuma's conundrum

(I don't own any characters etc etc)

"Another round?" Genma half-asked, motioning to the bartender.

"Good thing it's a Friday," Raidou sighed, taking a drink.

"Want to finally tell us what's going on?" Yamato asked.

Asuma sighed.

The group exchanged looks, and greeted Kakashi and Gai as they joined them.

"We miss anything?" Kakashi asked Yamato, who shrugged.

"Asuma grabbed us all to drink, but an hour and a half in, and he hasn't said anything," Yamato said.

Kakashi shrugged, grabbed a beer as the bartender set a number of them in the center of the table, and pulled out his book.

"Rival!" Gai shouted. "A peer is clearly distraught, how can you just read? We must offer support! Encouragement! A shoulder to cry on!"

Kakashi tilted his book down, looked at Gai, then looked at Asuma, and shrugged. He resumed reading.

"Let me know if anything important comes up," he drawled.

"It's Kurenai!" Asuma suddenly said, sighing.

The table remained silent for a moment.

"Aha!" Gai exclaimed. "You finally asked her out! And she accepted! Wonderful!" 

"If that happened, why would he be sad?" Genma pointed out. He turned back to Asuma. "What happened? She say no?"

"Worse," Asuma said, looking at the table.

"She said yes but insisted on a double date?" Raidou asked.

"Worse."

"Um...my turn?" Yamato asked. "She said...." he shrugged. "I got nothing."

"She's not going out with me!" Asuma said. 

"What?" the group asked in unison, minus Kakashi, who continued to read.

"She's going on a date with someone else. They beat me to it, going out."

At these words, Kakashi tilted his book down and looked up.

"You asked her and she said all that?" the copy nin asked.

Asuma sighed and slumped in his seat. "Not exactly..."

Kakashi closed his book and tucked it away. "I've only been here a little bit but I'm already sick of half-answers. Spill, Sarutobi."

"I went to the academy to see if Iruka was still mad at me, and he asked her out, right in front of me."

"He asked who out?" Raidou asked.

"Iruka. Asked. Kurenai. Out."

The table grew silent, before everyone laughed. Asuma frowned. 

"Some friends you are," he complained.

"You're kidding, right?" Raidou asked, and Asuma shook his head.

"Ru asked Kurenai out? In front of you? Oh, that's priceless," Genma said, now crying from laughing so hard.

"That is kind of amazing," Yamato snickered.

"But rival!" Gai said, looking at Kakashi. "If he's going out with Kurenai, does that mean you have lost your chance with him?"

The table paused and everyone, Asuma included, looked at Kakashi, who shrugged.

"I suppose so," he said. "But then again, I think I lost my chance when Asuma joined us that night."

Asuma put his face in his hands. "I was just looking out for him! And look what happened!"

"Why do you think he did it?" Gai asked.

Asuma looked up. "He said he knew she would be someone I would approve of and would think would be good enough for him! Can you believe it?"

Kakashi snorted. "Well, it's true, I guess. Clearly I wasn't good enough for him in your eyes."

"Nor me," Genma said.

"Or me," Raidou added.

Asuma frowned as he looked around the table. "But....it's not like that...you're good guys, I just want the best for him."

The three men frowned at him.

"And if Kurenai is good enough for you, then of course she is good enough for him!" Gai shouted, and Asuma glared at him. "What? It's true, is it not?"

"But he knows I'm interested!" Asuma said, clearly starting to move on from being sad. "He knew, and he had the balls to ask her out right in front of me!"

"But you haven't asked her out, and it's been a while," Yamato pointed out.

"Yeah, you can't really blame him," Raidou said.

"You've had plenty of chances," Kakashi added. "And it takes two to tango. She said yes, right?"

Asuma made a face but didn't answer.

"See?" Kakashi said. "She could have said no."

"So what?" Asuma shot back. "So she's not interested in me?"

"Maybe she was growing tired of waiting for the springtime of your youth," Gai mused. "If you were not going to ask her out after all this time, and Iruka would, she took the opportunity when it was offered. Perhaps if you had asked her sooner, she would have said yes to you instead."

"So this is my fault?" 

The table shrugged.

"Kind of..."

"In a way..."

"Maybe it's karma..."

Asuma sighed and reached for his drink.

"It's just not fair," he sighed.

"Look at it this way," Genma said. "You can do to her what you did to us. The interrogation, the embarrassing moments..."

"You can really amp it up, too," Raidou added. "Make sure she's definitely not interested in dating Iruka. Then you move in."

Asuma considered this and hummed in agreement. "Yeah....you have a point..."

"Did they say when they'd go out?" Kakashi asked.

Asuma shook his head. "Not then, but that's never stopped me in the past. I'll get plenty of notice." He nodded. "Thanks, guys. Maybe everything's not lost after all..."

________

"I thought he was going to explode!" Iruka laughed to his friends. "The look on his face, it was priceless!"

Anko, Izumo, and Kotetsu laughed.

"You've got quite a pair," Kotetsu said. 

"I can't believe it," Izumo laughed, shaking his head.

"He deserves it," Iruka said, reaching for food. "After what he's been doing to me for years!"

"To you, to us," Anko agreed. "And she said yes?"

"Of course!" Iruka said, smiling. "Why wouldn't she?"

"Well, she has been crushing on him for ages," Anko pointed out.

"That's why it's even better," Iruka smirked. "He didn't stand a chance, really." He paused. "I'd pity him, but..." he shrugged. "Whatever. Payback is a bitch, and I'm just getting started."

______

Iruka was joined by Asuma after classes the following week.

"What do you want?" Iruka sighed as Asuma perched on his desk. 

"Just hanging out."

Iruka looked up at him, then returned his gaze to the papers he was grading. "Just hanging out," he repeated, and the other man nodded.

"This has nothing to do with my plans tonight, does it?" Iruka asked a few minutes later.

"You have plans? I had no clue."

Iruka snorted and rolled his eyes. "Yeah, I totally buy that." He put his pen down and looked at Asuma. "Get on with it, then. I'm taking Kurenai out to dinner in fifteen minutes and you're here to terrorize me and her."

"Would I do that?" Asuma asked, surprised.

"You would, you have. What will it be this time?"

Asuma shook his head. "It hurts that you think that. I just want to make sure you end up with the perfect person for you, someone worthy of you."

Iruka nodded. "That's why I really think it will work with Kurenai," he said, smiling. "She's a great person, an admirable kunoichi. Just perfect, all around. But, of course you knew that, I don't need to tell you that."

Asuma's heart dropped. "Well, she's not perfect..."

"Really? That's not what you always say. And that's why I thought you'd be rooting for us."

"She has lots of flaws."

"Does she?"

"Tons."

Iruka stood. "Maybe, but so do I. So do you. Hopefully she has less than Anko. Izumo. Genma. Kakashi. Ayame. The blond ---"

"I get it, I get it," Asuma said, frowning. "Where are you going? It's not time to leave yet."

"Ah, I'm just so excited!" Iruka said. "I'm going to see if she's ready early. Bye!"

And he left, leaving a very stunned Asuma in his classroom.

_______

Iruka and Kurenai walked to a nearby restaurant and had a pleasant meal, with general conversation. 

As expected, Asuma was sat nearby just outside the restaurant, in view as they were leaving and discussing getting a cup of tea somewhere else.

"I happen to have bought myself a cup," Asuma said, "and they gave me two additional ones for free. Why don't you both join me and have the spares?"

"That's quite...convenient..." Iruka sighed. "We wouldn't want to trouble you...."

"Nonsense," Asuma said, patting the bench he was sat on.

Kurenai and Iruka exchanged a look, before moving towards him.

"Could you at least move over?" Iruka asked, annoyed. "You're seriously sitting in the middle."

Asuma ignored him and passed a to-go cup to Kurenai, and they sat on either side of the bearded man.

"Stupid, ignorant, pain in my ass," Iruka muttered from the left of Asuma.

"Did you know Iruka had such a potty mouth?" Asuma said to Kurenai. "It's a bad habit of his. Are you sure you can handle someone with such a bad habit?"

Kurenai peered around him and smiled. "It's kind of cute."

Iruka smiled back.

Asuma continued.

"Sure, it might be cute now. But when it's old and annoying, what will you do then? How do you handle fights? What if he started cursing at you?"

Iruka sighed, the smile gone from his face now. 

"One time, I want this to not happen. One time!" he said, but was ignored.

"Do you think you can handle him when he gets home from a long day at the academy? What if you have kids, and he can't handle being a parent and a teacher? What if he eventually thinks you should stay home and retire from being in the field?"

"We haven't really talked about having kids..." Kurenai said, confused.

"Well, do you want them? When? How many? What's your family history for children? Medical information, twins, bad habits," Asuma asked. "And what evidence can you provide to support your claims?"

"Who's going to kill me tonight?" Iruka shouted to villagers walking past. "I'll make it worth your while if you do!"

"How much do you think Iruka will need to make to support you? And what if he has to work extra missions office shifts to get there? That would leave little to no time with you. Could you handle that? Do you think you want someone who may never advance past chuunin?"

Kurenai gasped at that one, clearly surprised Asuma would go there.

Asuma continued, and after a few more minutes, Iruka stood.

"You know what, my tea is done, I'm done. Thanks for a great time, Kurenai. I'm sorry that this is how it's ended," he said, and Asuma smirked, but quickly hid it.

Before either man could say anything, Kurenai stood.

"My tea is done as well. Why don't you walk me home, Iruka?" She turned to a shocked Asuma. "Fifty questions was fun, but it's getting late. Have a good night."

And she turned and walked away, a stunned Iruka following her, and an even more surprised Asuma remaining on the bench.

Later, Kurenai opened the door to her apartment and turned to Iruka.

"Tonight was fun," she said, smiling.

"Agreed," Iruka said, smiling back. "You were great."

Kurenai laughed. "He's as bad as you said he would be. I'm happy I could help. What's next?"

"Second date?" Iruka asked. "And we start the next phase of the plan."


	4. Moving on

(I don't own any characters etc etc)

Iruka entered a bar a few days later, and was called over by Genma and Anko.

He approached the table in a secluded corner and greeted Genma, Asuma, Anko, Kakashi, and Yamato, and grabbed the only empty seat, located next to Kakashi.

Everyone was friendly, other than Asuma, who narrowed his eyes at him.

"Having a good week?" he asked Iruka, who nodded.

"I am."

"Made any...interesting plans?"

Iruka smiled. "I have a second date with Kurenai soon, if that's what you're fishing for. I think I might take her to her favorite restaurant."

Genma whistled. "That's a nice second date."

Iruka smiled again. "I know, but why not? She's a great woman, she deserves it."

Asuma stood. "I'm heading out, meeting my team early tomorrow and forgot I have to do something tonight for them."

The table watched him leave, then turned to Iruka.

"Is it working?" Anko asked, and he nodded.

"I think so," he said, grinning, and leaned into Kakashi's side as the other man put an arm around him.

"Maa, they don't call me a genius for nothing," Kakashi said, reaching for his drink.

"Think it'll keep working?" Yamato asked.

Iruka and Kakashi exchanged a look.

"It should..." Kakashi said.

"If you all keep playing your part," Iruka said, hopeful. "Kurenai's selling it really well, and I think the next date could be enough to break him. I have a feeling he's going to go overboard for it."

"In the meantime, as long as Iruka and I aren't seen by Asuma out of uniform together, he won't suspect a thing," Kakashi added.

The table nodded in agreement.

"Makes sense," Genma said. "Cheers to that!"

___________

"So what," Iruka thought to himself, "if Kakashi and I only really have group dates for now. At least we're actually having dates!"

That being said, was he eager to be able to spend time with just the copy nin? Yes. But he knew he'd just have to bide his time.

And, if he was being truly honest, it was nice to spend time with a group, as in a way it also meant that their friends accepted the other, speeding things along.

The next time Asuma saw them, Iruka and Kakashi were dining with Anko, Kotetsu, and Izumo.

Asuma had passed by, nodding in greeting when Anko called out.

"I'm surprised to see you here," Asuma said to Kakashi, who shrugged.

"Anko lost a bet and said she'd buy me dinner, but admittedly we never specified we'd be eating alone," Kakashi said.

"The more the merrier," Kotetsu chimed in.

"Yeah, he's not bad company, mostly," Izumo added, grinning.

Kakashi shrugged, maintaining his cool facade, but gave them a thumbs up when Asuma had left.

A few days later, Asuma spotted Kakashi, Yamato, and Iruka at a table at a busy cafe, drinking tea together.

"Mind if I join you?" Asuma asked, taking the available chair. He raised an eyebrow at Iruka.

"What?"

"You usually don't hang out with these guys," Asuma said. "What gives?"

Iruka rolled his eyes. "A, it's called being polite and friendly. B, I came to do some grading, and in case you haven't noticed, it's crowded. They happened to have an opening at their table."

Asuma had been only too aware of how busy the cafe was, and now noticed that Iruka did in fact have grading in front of him.

He nodded but said nothing further, and it did seem that Iruka was not fully engaged in the conversation, working on the papers instead.

Asuma eventually sighed. "Look, let's clear the air," he said, and Yamato and Kakashi looked at him. "You too, Iruka."

Iruka looked up, a curious look on his face.

"I know I...was inquisitive...on your date, but are you guys...okay?" Asuma asked, looking at Iruka, who was sat across from him, and Kakashi, who was sat to Asuma's left.

"What do you mean?" Iruka asked.

"Well, no hard feelings, right? And no mixed messages..."

Iruka shrugged. "I said I understood." He smiled and looked into the distance. "And now things are moving ahead with Kurenai, so..."

"You had your second date already?" Yamato asked.

Iruka shook his head. "Nah, that's tomorrow."

"You have nothing to worry about with us," Kakashi assured him, and Asuma nodded.

"Good, didn't think so. One less thing I have to worry about, eh?"

Iruka smirked. "One less thing...."

_______

Iruka was on his guard the next day, unsure of when or where Asuma would pop up. He just knew he would.

Fortunately, he only worked a short shift at the missions office, and had plenty of time to relax beforehand.

Taking his time to rest, shower, and even do some reading, he eventually put on civilian clothes.

Just as he was about to put his hair up, there was a knock on his door.

"Asuma," he warily greeted the jonin upon opening the door. He sighed. "What do you want?"

Asuma stepped in, uninvited, and leaned against a wall. "You're dressed up."

"I'm going out in a bit," Iruka said, moving past him to his bathroom.

Asuma followed.

"Oh? Any big plans?"

Iruka rolled his eyes. "You know I'm taking Kurenai out, don't even play that game."

Asuma held his hands up. "I was just asking."

"You're never 'just asking'," Iruka said, pointing his hair brush at him. "Get to the point, then get out." He paused. "Or better yet, just get out."

He finished with his hair as Asuma continued.

"Second date, huh?" Asuma asked, scratching his bearded chin. "That's a pretty big deal."

Iruka was silent.

"A really, really big deal, some might say," Asuma continued.

Iruka finished his hair and left the bathroom, Asuma following him to the kitchen, where Iruka rinsed out a cup.

"A second date sends a message, for better or worse," Asuma said.

"And what message is that?" Iruka finally said leaning against the sink and crossing his arms. "That we like each other? That we want to spend more time together? Because that's so terrible?"

Asuma sighed. "It can be if it's not right to go anywhere..."

"It never goes anywhere, because you never let it go anywhere!" Iruka challenged.

"If they were right for you I wouldn't have to step in," Asuma countered.

"So it's my fault? I'm not picking the right people?" Iruka yelled.

"Sometimes?"

Iruka loudly exhaled and shook his head. "You're a jerk. I told you to keep your nose out of my business." He paused. "You know what? I don't even want to go anymore. What's the point, when you'll probably just show up in an hour and ruin it?"

"I was going to accompany you there and get it over with at the start," Asuma offered.

"I hate you," Iruka said, storming past and sitting down in his living room.

"What are you doing?" Asuma asked, surprised.

"What does it look like?"

"You can't sit there, you have to go," Asuma reminded him.

"No. I'm not going. I'm done with her."

Asuma frowned. "You can't do that to Kurenai."

Iruka shrugged. "Watch me. She'll understand. Probably."

"And if she doesn't?"

Iruka shrugged again. "Then she'll hit me or something. She'll be upset for a while, and if I'm lucky, we'll still be friends. It's exactly the same thing that would happen even if I went tonight, if you have anything to do with it."

Asuma thought about this for a moment. "You still can't do that. If you leave now ---"

Iruka cut him off. "I'll just make it, but I'm not going now, so whatever. She'll figure it out soon enough."

"You can't ---" Asuma started.

Iruka shut him up with a glare. "I can't what? Can't stand her up? Can't let her be embarrassed like that, versus being embarrassed when you show up asking a hundred interfering questions again? When we maybe, just maybe survive a second date but sure as hell don't make it to a third?" He shook his head. "Better to leave it like this. You've ruined the night for me, anyway. I don't feel like going out with her now." He paused and glanced at Asuma.

"If you're so worried," Iruka said, casually. "Why don't you go?"

"Me?"

Iruka shrugged. "That way she isn't stood up. And you don't have to worry about who I'm dating, because as far as I'm concerned, it's already over with her. You can pass her the news."

Asuma nodded, clearly thinking it over. "And if I'm meeting her at the restaurant, I guess I might as well buy her dinner...to soften the blow..."

Iruka rolled his eyes. "Sure, why not?" He glanced at the clock. "If you leave now you'll just make it on time."

Asuma nodded again. "Well...if you're sure?"

Iruka nodded while shrugging, his face clearly showing he didn't care.

"Then, I'll see you around," Asuma said, leaving and closing the door behind him.

After he left, Iruka exhaled, puffing his cheeks out.

"Finally! I thought he'd never leave!"

He stood and checked his hair, making sure he still looked good.

A few minutes later, there was a knock on his door.

He opened it to see Kakashi, leaning against his door frame, still in uniform.

"Evening, sensei," Kakashi said, giving a closed eye smile.

"Kakashi-san," Iruka said, smiling.

"Ready?" Kakashi asked, and Iruka nodded.

"They should just be sitting down to eat," Iruka said. "I think we're in the clear."

Kakashi offered an arm. "In that case, I made a reservation at the new barbeque restaurant."

Iruka took his arm. "The one across town, literally as far from where Asuma and Kurenai are as possible?"

"That's the one," Kakashi said, nodding.

Iruka squeezed his arm. "I can't wait."

____________

Two weeks later, Iruka and Kakashi were out on a small afternoon date, talking over cups of coffee in a small cafe, sat together at a small, cozy table.

"Was that Iruka and Kakashi?" Asuma asked Kurenai, as they passed by.

"Hmm?" Kurenai asked. "I didn't see."

"Iruka and Kakashi, in the coffeeshop we just passed," Asuma said. "They looked like they were on a date..."

Kurenai grabbed his hand and pulled him up the street.

"Who cares if they are?" she asked, laughing. "We're on our own date, they can be on theirs. They're good guys, anyway. They'd make a cute couple."

"Yeah," Asuma said, "I guess they could be good together..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback and suggestions welcomed!
> 
> Let's connect, I'm on [tumblr](https://hkandiu.tumblr.com/)


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